Sometimes
by IlluminatedM
Summary: In the heat of the final battle, Draco's life is put on the line. Sometimes, you have to make tough decisions to save the people you love, even if they'll hate you for it in the end. That's exactly what she does.


**This fic is inspired by "Anastasia" (by Slash). You really ought to look it up sometime.**

Everyone always likes to pretend that you can find the good in anyone; they like to pretend that second chances exist and that everyone can be saved. I have always been one of those people, but I've learned the truth tonight. Sometimes, you can't be saved; no matter how hard someone is trying to pull you out of the darkness, you're lost. Sometimes, something you think is indestructible will shatter right before your eyes, and you'll do nothing but slice up your palms as you try to pick up the pieces of your life. Sometimes, everything is done before you've even decided to do it. Sometimes, all you can do is run.

And tonight, that's what I'll have to do; I'm going to run until you catch me, and then I'm going to die. At first, I let myself pretend that you'd forgive me, but I already know that you won't. You've defended that man to me a thousand times. He's your father, and I know what he meant to you, but this couldn't be prevented. When it came down to it, the choice between your life or his, I could not stand idly by. I want you to know that I never wanted to hurt you; I never wanted to have to do this, but I would kill him over and over again if it meant that you would carry on.

Tonight, I have loved, killed, and lost. I came into this battle full of useless knowledge and naïve ideas about what might happen. I left a murderer, coated in the blood of my enemies and replaying your expression in my mind. I have killed, and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it.

I have loved you every day, more and more with every sunrise. I have cared for you more than I knew I would ever be able to. Two years ago, you fell before me on your knees and begged me to help you; I have loved you since that day. I have loved you since I wrapped my arms around you while you cried for someone to save you, to save your family, and it nearly brought me to tears. But I knew that wasn't what you needed; you didn't need me to grieve for what had not yet been lost. So, instead, I brought you to Dumbledore; it was my solution to everything in those days. Dumbledore always knew exactly what to do, but he couldn't change your family. He couldn't change your father.

When Lucius charged at you tonight, I tried to do everything other than what I knew I had to. I tried to block him, to shield you, but he was unrelenting, and my shields could only handle the weight of so much dark magic. What did you expect me to do then? Would you have had me idly stand while I watched you die? I could never allow something like that. Never. So, I threw the only curse that I knew would protect you forever, and I know you'll spend the rest of your life hating me for it, but that's just the thing. You'll be _alive._

They say that, to cast the Avada, you have to really mean it. You have to have enough hatred and anger in your heart to truly wish that person dead. You have to genuinely believe you don't care about them. They say you have to blacken your heart and damage your soul to truly mean it, and I have never meant anything in my entire life more than I meant that curse. Make no mistake, love, I meant to kill that man.

When I began to cast, I didn't think about anything but you. I didn't think about Harry being mocked, Ginny being taken to Voldemort, Dobby being abused, or even the word "Mudblood" carved into my arm; somehow, I just couldn't find it in my heart to care about those things. Instead, I thought about the bruises you wandered the school with from the time that we were eleven years old, the prejudices that he convinced you of, and the mark that _he _allowed to be branded on you like some Yankee cattle. I thought about the childhood you never had, the love you never felt, and the hope he stole from you. Yes, I thought of all these things, and I felt more undeniable hatred in that moment than I have ever felt in my entire life. I wanted him dead.

There's no denying how much I meant those words, or how relieved I was to see you safe as your father's body fell to the ground. But that's just it, isn't it? He was _your_ father, and _I _killed him. When you turned to me after he hit the floor, I knew that look. That was a look of angst, rage, and _betrayal_. Don't you understand that I would never have betrayed you? I was protecting you!

But I suppose that you'll never see it that way, will you?

Sometimes, you just have to run, even if it's from the people you love.

This is our last goodbye, Draco.


End file.
